Crosby Royal Naval Association

Missing Royal Navy Life?
Here's how to recapture the atmosphere of the good old days
and simulate living onboard ship once more!
 
1.         Build a shelf in the top of your wardrobe and sleep on it inside a small sleeping bag.
2.         Remove the wardrobe door and replace it with a curtain that's too small.
3.         Wash your underwear every night in a bucket, then hang it over the water pipes to dry.
4.         Four hours after you go to bed, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a torch in your eyes and say, "sorry mate".
5.         Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the centre of your bath and move the showerhead to chest level. Store beer barrels in the shower enclosure.
6.         When you shower, remember to shout at the top of your voice “turning on”(when Switching water on) and “turning off” when off.   
7.         Every time there is a thunderstorm, sit in a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you are sick!!
8.         Put oil instead of water into a humidifier and then set it to high.
9.         Don't watch TV, except for movies in the middle of the night. For added realism, have your family vote for which movie they want to see, then select a different one.
10.       (Mandatory for engineers) Leave a lawn mower running in your living room 24 hours a day to re-create the proper noise levels.
11.       Have the paperboy cut your hair.
12.       Once-a-week blow compressed air up through your chimney. Ensure that the wind carries the soot over onto your neighbour’s house. When he complains, laugh at him.
13.       Buy a rubbish compactor, and use it once per week. Store up your rubbish in the other side of your bath.
14.       Wake up every night at midnight and make a sandwich out of any thing you can find, preferably using stale bread. Optional: cold soup or ravioli out of a can.
15.       Devise menus for your family a week in advance without looking in the larder or fridge.
16.       Set your alarm clock to go off at random times through out the night, when it goes off, leap out of bed, get dressed as fast as you can and then run into the garden and break out the garden hose.
17.       Once a month, take every major household appliance completely apart then re-assemble.
18.       Use four spoons of coffee per cup, and allow to sit for three hours before drinking.
19.       Invite about 85 people who you don't like to come and stay for a month.
20.       Install a small fluorescent light under your coffee table, then lie underneath it to read books.
21.       Raise the threshold and lower the top sills of all the doors in your house. Now you will always either hit your head or skin your shins when passing through them.
22.       When baking cakes, prop up one side of the tin whilst it is in the oven. When it has cooled spread icing really thickly on one side to level it out again.
23.       Every so often throw your cat in the bath, and shout, "man overboard". Then run into the kitchen and sweep all the dishes and pans onto the floor whilst yelling at your wife for not having secured for sea.
24.       Put on the headphones of your stereo, do not plug them in. Go and stand in front of the dishwasher.  Say to nobody in particular, "dishwasher manned and ready Sir". Stand there for three or four hours. Say once, again to nobody in particular, "dishwasher secured". Remove the headphones, roll up the cord and put them away.
25.       Nickname your favourite shoes 'steamies', and then get your children to hide them around the house on a random basis.
26.       Go out with a girl who has got touretes syndrome, just to hear someone scream and Shout at you for no apparent reason.
27.          Go to the supermarket and buy nothing but queue up anyway.